My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
