it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
