he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
