It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
