the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
