woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Did I show you my penis last night?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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