My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
