Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
