So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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