I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
