I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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