this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
