well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize