I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
