The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
