I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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