When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
