There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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