i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
