Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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