Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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