I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
