sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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