i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
