if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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