It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
