hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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