So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
