He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
