We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize