I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
