I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Panties = found
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