47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
