the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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