Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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