I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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