Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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