when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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