i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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