he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The uberlube is also flammable
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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