Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
