it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
