the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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