today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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