I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
be right there i have to get my cape
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
