Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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