my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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