Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
