The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
