I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
