You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
