I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
