at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
