on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
