Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
