I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
