she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
