I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
