you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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