I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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