White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is the high leading the old right now
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
