Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
