I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
