Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
